Today I go on smiling
As if I wasn't broken
Deep down in my core
I feel the painful longing
Of a love I can't grasp
No matter how hard I pull
How far I reach
I am still not good enough
I know you can only love yourself
Your greed blinds you
It makes you turn against me
Your only daughter
This is not some lovesick story
This is family
I am your daughter
Why is that not good enough?
I've been in this barren place
Left behind with a goodbye
Broken to fragile pieces
Fragments of unsaid words
This time is different
I feel it in my soul
Bye is not the end
The sun is still shining
My heart does not fear
Your promise I can trust
I won't be torn apart
You hold my heart tight
I await your return
With open heart and arms
You will not crush me
For our love is true
Today I took a look at myself
I saw the good and the ugly
I saw the growth and the stagnation
I saw the hope and fear
Today I made a decision
To conquer myself
To help myself
To change
I took a big breath
And began to work
This process may take a bit
But today is my start
I hope for the best
To see myself in the mirror
And know I am a better person
Today I begin to love me
I am going down
To where blackness waits
With a soft pillow
Of sweet sickness
All I will gain
All I will lose
With I am nothing
Without I am everything
I am going down
People point and stare
What is there left
When I hit bottom
The cold metal box
Gathers my gnarly bones
Tears they cannot fall
Now I am pretty
Today I go on smiling
As if I wasn't broken
Deep down in my core
I feel the painful longing
Of a love I can't grasp
No matter how hard I pull
How far I reach
I am still not good enough
I know you can only love yourself
Your greed blinds you
It makes you turn against me
Your only daughter
This is not some lovesick story
This is family
I am your daughter
Why is that not good enough?
I've been in this barren place
Left behind with a goodbye
Broken to fragile pieces
Fragments of unsaid words
This time is different
I feel it in my soul
Bye is not the end
The sun is still shining
My heart does not fear
Your promise I can trust
I won't be torn apart
You hold my heart tight
I await your return
With open heart and arms
You will not crush me
For our love is true
Today I took a look at myself
I saw the good and the ugly
I saw the growth and the stagnation
I saw the hope and fear
Today I made a decision
To conquer myself
To help myself
To change
I took a big breath
And began to work
This process may take a bit
But today is my start
I hope for the best
To see myself in the mirror
And know I am a better person
Today I begin to love me
I am going down
To where blackness waits
With a soft pillow
Of sweet sickness
All I will gain
All I will lose
With I am nothing
Without I am everything
I am going down
People point and stare
What is there left
When I hit bottom
The cold metal box
Gathers my gnarly bones
Tears they cannot fall
Now I am pretty
It's scary, isn't it?
How that girl, the one that smiles non-stop, was the one that only just last night lay in bed and silently pleaded 'kill me, kill me'.
How that girl that everyone laughs at, who everyone misunderstood, cried in her shower, clawing at her own skin and begged 'take me back, take me back'.
How that girl that everyone looks at for a laugh cried 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'. [It scares her that even she doesn't know who she's apologising to.]
It's terrifying, really; that the one girl you'd never think to be is the one that's truly broken.
[It's scary, and even she doesn't understand it much herself.]
However, the most chilli
So, I was accepted into the OTA program!!! I am on my way to being a COTA!! I can't wait to begin this journey in a couple of weeks. I'm trying to gather my textbooks right now- which really isn't so exciting. I swear text books are way too expensive! Give us students a break! But anyway, I'm so excited for the future. There for awhile I was getting scared. I looked around and couldn't see how I had ended up at a dead end job. Not that I don't like the job- I really do, and the people I work with are great- but I have too much ambition and I like working more with people than being behind a desk all day.
I'm not sure what the future holds b
So in my first journal entry I said I was trying to find a job. Well, I found one but I have decided to try to go back to college for a different degree. I enjoy working the administrative side of health care but I would love to be more involved in the patients care. Therefore, I have decided to go back for Occupational Therapy Assistant degree. After I become a COTA I will then pursue my Masters. So I'm very excited about this journey. I have an interview for the program in the next two months. I'm very nervous but also very excited. So I guess I'll be posting soon about whether or not I got in. Wish me luck!!!
Also, I am still writing (slo
I decided today that I should start writing again. When I was younger I would create stories all the time. I would wonder as I got older if I was weird for creating my own little worlds instead of being into the newest gossip. I began writing a story in the fourth grade but it ended up getting lost in one of our many moves when I was in junior high. Once I hit high school I pretty much stopped writing.
Today my best friend Aryn got me into deviantart so I guess I will give it a go. Though I am a bit rusty, hopefully my writing is still okay.
Also, I am currently looking for a job so I have a bit of free time on my hands. It's a bit dishear